I recently had lunch in an outdoor cafe with my best friend. We’ve been BFF’s since eighth grade. Even though we no longer keep up with each other day-to-day, we talked non-stop for close to 3 hours, catching up on the details of life. Elaine and I always pick up right where we left off as if no time at all has passed.
At some point midway in the conversation, Elaine said she’s been thinking about something that occurred between us three or four years ago, just after the election of Donald Trump. We had met for lunch then too. She was elated by the election results, whereas I was despondent. At the time we opted not to talk about it. But this time she said, “Can I ask you, were you just disappointed that a woman wasn’t elected? Or were you upset by who was elected?” I admitted it was the latter. She asked, “Are you a Democrat?” I told her I’m a registered independent voter. Then she asked why I thought the country was so divided. I paused and considered her question.
This is a woman I love with all my heart. I know her to be a good person and I respect her very much. She loves me in the same way. So, I had to choose my words carefully. I told her that I think each side believes they hold the high moral ground. Each side believes their set of values are morally superior to the others’. This is the reason the two sides have no room to budge. Neither side can come down from their high moral perch. She listened thoughtfully, poked around a bit more, asking how I felt about critical race theory and a few other things. I finally said it was probably safer for us not to talk about politics. She said she thought we had way more in common than we had differences. We changed the subject and chatted happily for the remainder of the lunch.
I feel like I owe her a better answer. My change-the-subject maneuver was a cop-out. Elaine is right: she and I have a lot more in common than the seemingly irreconcilable differences between Republicans and Democrats, or conservatives and liberals, or whatever inadequate labels we might apply to the opposing sides. I’ve thought about it a lot since our lunch, and through a bunch of mental gymnastics, I’ve arrived at at what might be a way forward.
I’ll pick up where I left off with Elaine: both sides claim the moral high ground. That is precisely why we feel there is no middle ground. At the risk of using more, inadequate labels, we’ll call the one side the “Strivers.” They value hard work and diligence above all else. We’ll call the other side the “Empathizers” because they value collaboration and compassion above all else. The Strivers are all about success, they believe that those who work hard deserve to get ahead and reap the rewards of their labors. The Empathizers believe we are all better off when everyone is thriving and working toward the common good.
It's not that the Strivers don’t value compassion and empathy; they do. They believe wholeheartedly in the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” They recognize that kindness is a good code to live by and that it feels good to help someone who is down on their luck. And it's not that the Empathizers don’t value hard work and diligence; they do. They believe wholeheartedly in a strong work ethic: “You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be happy, and it shall go well with you.” They recognize hard work develops a strong character; and that a successfully completed project is immensely satisfying.
So, maybe we just need to reframe the issue. Instead of seeing a threat in the other side’s position — a challenge to our own moral high ground — we can look for the common values we hold together and the opportunities these common values present. If we recognize in each other the qualities we all hold in high esteem, maybe we can move toward and celebrate the middle ground they present. I believe the values we all hold in common are things like courage, integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, responsibility. And of course, faith, hope and love, which trump even these.
We need to start seeing the good in each other, not the differences. This is what came naturally to Elaine and me over lunch in our outdoor cafe, BFF’s for 45 years. We naturally navigated the divide by falling back to our position of love for each other. Without rancor, sarcasm or disdain, we chose to see the best in each other.
Is it possible to view the other side as friends? Is it possible to look for the inherent good in them? To celebrate the values we both hold in common? Can we find BFF’s on the other side with whom we have way more in common than the differences we can budge from? I think it’s possible. Let’s find a way forward…